TRANSLATING NEWSWEEK’S LAYOFF STATEMENT
Newsweek distributed the following statement yesterday regarding the 111 staffers leaving the mag (See my comments in CAPS):
Confronting the challenges in today’s media climate, we recently offered a voluntary retirement program to some of our employees. (WE ARE TOTALLY F*(K*D CUZ NO ONE IS BUYING OUR MAGAZINE.)
We were fortunate to be able to provide generous packages (THE EMPLOYEES THOUGHT THIS WAS BETTER THAN BEING FIRED AND RECEIVING NOTHING) for eligible staffers who wanted to move on, while also saving on some of our existing expenses.
A number of the familiar faces (WOW - THEY ALMOST USED THE WORD FAMILY.) who accepted the offer, including David Ansen, David Gates, Cathleen McGuigan, Mark Starr and John Barry, will continue to contribute to the magazine and Newsweek.com.
And, of course, Newsweek remains home (A HOME IS A PLACE WHERE YOU FEEL SAFE. WARNING TO THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE: NEWSWEEK IS NOT YOUR HOME. IT’S WHERE YOU WORK. I’D START ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR A JOB NOW!) to Jonathan Alter, Sharon Begley, Ellis Cose, Chris Dickey, Howard Fineman, Daniel Gross, Mark Hosenball, Mike Isikoff, Melinda Liu, Johnnie Roberts, Evan Thomas, Fareed Zakaria, Anna Quindlen , George Will and many other star journalists.
New voices will be joining Newsweek too. We will continue to invest in Newsweek, newsweek.com and other new ventures, (BULLSHIT!) which collectively will strengthen our company’s long-term health and vibrancy. (WE MADE MASSIVE CUTS AND HOPEFULLY WON’T HAVE TO DO SO AGAIN IN THE NEXT WEEK OR TWO!)
(HERE COMES THE BIG CLOSE!) We are committed to producing the compelling, innovative and news-breaking journalism that has defined Newsweek for its 75-year history. (ALWAYS NICE TO TRY TO THROW IN SOME POSITIVES ABOUT YOUR MAG AT THE END. BTW - HOW LONG YOU’VE BEEN AROUND IS IRRELEVANT IF YOU NOW ARE SUCKING WIND!)
