TV GUIDE SHOCKS WITH INCOMPETENCE!

Pasetsky’s Cover Critique

With much fanfare, TV Guide announced layoffs and a new top chef. Well, here’s the first issue.

My question is do the editors at TV Guide even watch American Idol?

If they do, they would know that one of these three contestants will be off the show TONIGHT, which means this cover is OUTDATED IMMEDIATELY.

One more thing. “Rock the Vote.” Cliche, Cliche, Cliche.

Oh pardon the interruption but I just received an email with what looks like a transcript from the editorial meeting.* You must read this!

New Boss: Hello everybody. I am your new boss. I am so excited to be here and want to let you know that we are going to return TV Guide to its former glory. Please note that moving further I will be referring to TV Guide as “MY MAGAZINE” because it’s “MY MAGAZINE.”

Subordinates: WTF?

New Boss: Now I understand that many of you are upset by the fact that basically all of the higher-ups here were fired and you’re probably wondering how I’m still standing. Well, it’s pretty simple. When the new team came in, I explained how they all sucked and I was the answer to TV Guide’s problems. Yes, I basically stabbed everybody in the back but what else could I do to get the dreamiest job in the business.

Subordinates: WTF?

New Boss: You probably read all the positive press on me. You’ll see that I have a knack for that. I befriend all the bloggers – and of course – they LOVE me. How could they not? I’ve given them so much BULLshit on people in the biz that if anyone writes a negative piece on me I will get them. I will stop at nothing to get negative press on other people even if it means destroying them! — Oops, did I say that out loud. Oh well. They will go DOWN even if I have to LIE LIE LIE! Plus, I have a bunch of sleazy friends who will do my dirty work for me so my hands NEVER GET DIRTY. So take that as your first WARNING and LAST. I don’t want any leaks from any of you. I know everyone and I will find out where those leaks are coming from. You will be fired so fast!

Subordinates: WTF?

New Boss: Regarding the other firings: Those were necessary because how else would I get this job? But, good news. We will be hiring some new folks. I know a great photo editor who is desperate to come back to the states. She’s really cute and will be so much fun to work with. (If you hear any rumors about us, DON’T BELIEVE THEM. I am happily single and love cats – so what???) Plus, I have a friend who’s a high-level peep at one of our competitors who’s ready to join me. I just have to convince him that TV Guide isn’t closing in the next six months. And I know a great junior editor named Daisy who scratches her vajajay in public – but don’t worry – she’s fun too!

Subordinates: WTF?

New Boss: Also I will be making some tone changes here at the magazine. I believe that my mean sense of humor will translate well with the TV Guide audience. So over time you’ll see us get meaner and meaner to the stars. Before you know it, we’ll be the meanest magazine in the country. Actually, I could care less about the readers. I just want to be mean. We have a ton of subscribers so who cares. Right?

Subordinates: WTF?

New Boss: In closing, these are exciting times at TV Guide and I’m excited to lead you on this new journey. BTW – There will be no MEXICAN FOOD ever ordered in this office.

*Okay, I admit this was not a real transcript but it could be???