What’s shakin’ this week across the pond

OK! Alex Reid and Katie Price are getting married! In an exclusive with OK! magazine the two open up about their wedding and baby. Coleen Rooney and Alex Gerrard go out for a girl’s night, Danielle Lloyd and her fiancé Jamie O’Hara celebrate their engagement and Julia Roberts chats about being a mother.

Grazia: Grazia claims George Clooney played cupid with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. The magazine also has the inside scoop on Jesus Luz and Madonna. In addition, a sad look into Pete Doherty’s crazy life.

Hello!: Coleen Rooney tells Hello! about her new baby, Kai. Meanwhile, Chery Cole invites the magazine behind-the-scenes of her ‘heartbreak.’ Also, the real story behind Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

~Melissa Noble

Click on each UK tabloid to see its full size

Madonna has grown tired of Jesus. Jesus has grown tired of Madonna. So it goes.

This morning we learned the old-fashioned love story of our century ended. Madonna and Jesus Luz are no more.

Standard paparazzi shots and publicity jaunts aside, it’s questionable what kind of faux-ationship the two truly shared. Afterall, this alleged split is described in the same tone as someone parting with an old sofa (sorry, Madge).

The Daily Mail reported:

‘It was not only totally amicable, but it was Luz who initiated the split. It’s the age difference. He’s 23. She’s 51. How long could it last? How it even lasted a year seems a miracle to a lot of people. He’s perfectly nice, a gentleman and very smart. But they are in such different places in their lives. They both benefited, but it’s pretty much over now. Or, as Madonna told me, “We’ve just run out of things to talk about. I mean, it’s really pushing it for us to have common ground these days. We have Kabbalah, but that’s about it.”

Check out the W photo shoot that started it all. Memories. Enchanted cougar memories. It’s like taking a peek at the Discovery Channel.

~Melissa Noble

Click on each image to see its full size

Madonna goes old school Italian domestic for Dolce & Gabbana

Madonna plays a vampy mother figure type in the latest batch of ads for Dolce & Gabbana. Watch her put on makeup, pose with a broom, pet a cat and brood with cleavage and sunglasses.

Written by: Melissa Noble

Click on each image to see its full size

Buy stock in ‘fertility treatments’ — Madonna and Jesus want to reproduce!

The Sun (we know, we know) reported today that Madonna and Jesus want to do the sacrilegious — PROCREATE!

Madonna is 51 and Jesus is 22. While he may be as virile as a string of frat houses, it’s going to take some clever acrobatics to get her Madgesty knocked up.  A close friend of Madonna’s, who calls her “Em“, told The Sun:

“She knows that, at 51, it’s going to be harder to conceive naturally. But she is Olympic-athlete fit and is ready for the challenge…He adores her kids but has always wanted a child of his own. He told Em fatherhood would be his greatest adventure, and that he wanted to go on this journey with her.”

“Journey”  and “challenge” are appropriate words.

Written by: Melissa Noble

Oh. It’s him, again.

Interview magazine gifted Jesus Luz his very own spread this month.

God knows why. The only reason anyone cares about this self-important model is because he’s Madonna’s I’m-Still-Young Boy Toy. A sculpted six-pack is, afterall, just a sculpted six-pack. Squint and all these model boys look the same.

So imagine Interview’s disdain when Luz’s people prohibited the magazine from mentioning the “M” word.

Instead they were forced to feign an interest in Luz’s burgeoning DJ career and whimsies about back home in Brazil.

Read the entire article here.

Written by: Melissa Noble

Click on each outtake to see its full-size

Angelina Jolie was fired from her modeling gig for St. John’s. The brand wants someone less in the public eye (is it awful that this warms our cold hearts?): Celebitchy.com

Sean Penn and Madonna go out to dinner: Usmagazine.com

Bradley Cooper was once a doorman: OK!

Kate Gosselin’s weave cost $6, 450. Wow!: Dlisted.com

Ashley Greene in a body paint bikini!: The Superficial.com

Tamra Barney from The Real Housewives of Orange County is getting divorced: EOnline.com

Rihanna is to ‘Last Girl on Earth’ as Madonna is to ‘Sex’

Rihanna is pulling up those bra straps and working hard to transform her good girl image into a page ripped out of Madonna’s faux-artistic book. Literally.

Today we learned that Rihanna plans to collaborate with Simon Henwood, the creative director for her Rated R tour, and pose for ‘Rihanna: The Last Girl on Earth‘ a 144-page coffee table book full of ’steamy’ pictures due out in June.

Sounds suspiciously like Madge’s Sex tome — but let’s just hope RiRi swaps out some of the bondage scenes for titillation a little more fresh.

Written by: Melissa Noble

A little smattering of Madonna’s Sex book…

We forgot Madonna had lady parts!

Wow — when did muscle woman Madonna sprout these incredibly lady-like breasts? Just leave it to the Italians to make even the most ripped of women to look soft, curvy and full of Ziti.

These Steven Klein, Dolce & Gabbana shots will premiere in the January issue of Vanity Fair Italy.

Written by: Melissa Noble

Click on each shot to see its full-size

The cover of Muse magazine reads, “Lindsay Exposed” with her breast flopping out (as if LiLo has ever been demure and understated, but moving on).

The pictorial inside the magazine is meant to depict the steamy threesomes of Johnny Depp and Kate Moss, with Lindsay trying on Kate Moss’s role, naturally.

Photographer Yu Tsai told The Post:

“I was always fascinated by Johnny Depp and Kate Moss, and when I asked Lindsay to do a shoot, she jumped at the chance. It was all about her being sexy, channeling Kate from the ’90s. When I suggested adding another girl, Lindsay invited Sofia, who is a friend and a dancer for Madonna.”The three of them were very sensual and provocative, but Lindsay understands this piece was created not for any sensational value other than artistic integrity. There was never a discussion about pushing the boundaries. She was totally comfortable with the nudity as long as it had artistic integrity.

“When you see her nipple, it just happened in the moment. She was playing the role of Kate Moss — you’re at a party and you are with a guy you really love and another girl.

“She is stunning and radiates in the pictures. Lindsay is incredibly focused where it comes to her career and fashion is her passion. It’s raw, it’s exposed, this is her at her best. She told me: ‘I want to make this iconic.’ “

Click on each image to see its full size

Kate Hudson beams on the cover of January’s Harper’s Bazaar.

In the magazine she parades around Manhattan wearing an array of designer clothes, doing a slew of inappropriate things in them like the laundry, pumping gas, eating in a dingy cafeteria, etc.

But let’s cut to the chase. Is she marrying Alex Rodriguez? Pregnant with his babies?

“If I was sitting here with a belly out to here, I’d be talking about what the relationship is and how important that is in my life right now.” So does that mean she isn’t sure of Rodriguez yet? “They’re just reading psychobabble in these [tabloid] magazines.” Even when confronted with the evidence — a picture of her kissing A-Rod — she gamely holds her ground. “There’s a guy that’s shooting probably 60 frames a minute. That was a sideswipe on the cheek. That wasn’t even a kiss.” So she’s not in love with this guy? “I quickly kissed the cheek,” she maintains. “And I remember one of the headlines the next day said, MAKEOUT SESSION. What is wrong with people?

This is reminding us of Madonna’s “just friends” claim. Nobody wants to admit to dating A-Rod. Not even Kate.

Written by: Melissa Noble